December 19th: cupboards stuffed with cake and chocolates. Have eaten four mince pies, half a yule log and a bucket of maltesers since breakfast. Considering opening presents under the tree (not for me) which definitely contain more confectionary. Clearly I am experiencing Seasonal Highly Intensive Tension and need to take action. But what level of action is required? Banning myself from the supermarket until 2013 seems too little intervention. Selling everything I own and joining a nomadic tribe in Central Africa seems - arguably - too severe. Whilst my loss of self-control is considerably disturbing, I must say I wasn't involved in the recent brawl on the floor of our local M & S for their final frozen turkey. (A seventy year old woman got it - apparently her flying rugby tackle was sensational). And I did replace the chocolates for my neighbours which I had - let's say - mislaid. So, I've made my decision. (Dramatic pause of 30 seconds).
I plan to sit in a wardrobe with a bag over my head. I'm going in tomorrow. Someone get me out after Christmas.
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