APOLOGIES FOR THE CYNICISM

So, Christmas Eve, and you're knackered. You've lost 50 kilos of sprouts somewhere between the supermarket and the car; your creepy neighbour's just brought you an expensive gift and Auntie Doreen (recently returned from two years in a Mongolian yurt) just called to say she's waiting to be collected from the bus station. Already you're thinking of an Alternative Christmas next year. I'm ahead of you. Here's what's on my list so far:

• a week's all-inclusive break with an Amish family in Minnesota
• two days work experience with a local pig farm
• an  overnight retreat in a small cave on the North York Moors
• twenty-four hours in a cupboard with a case of pinot grigio 

Let these ideas spark your imagination. By midnight tonight you'll have your own extensive list of appealing Christmas adventures. Ding Dong Merrily on a Shepherd's Donkey.